We finally are at the same place, at the same time.
He is starring at me.
All these months of asking me what do I have for dinner, with the only answer “nothing yet, maybe later” have paid off.
I am not looking like the girls who will refuse to grab something to eat while we hung up.
But I will refuse his request.
He finally did the first move.
As I hold my diet coke he grabs my thigh.
I can see his hand covering my leg, that used to be huge. Now it looks tiny next to his hands.
He touches my cheekbones gently.
He grabs my skinny waist and stands me up as he stands up.
The next thing he does is sticking me to the wall.
“You’re stunning” he murmurs.
He touches my hip bones as he comes closer to kiss me.
He slowly moves his left hand on my skinny butt and grabs whatever is left there after all these days I suffered from starvation.
He hears then my stomach growling.
“We have to put some food in here.. looks like your body would appreciate it.”
I stare at him in fear.
I try to avoid his concern and I give him a hug.
As we walk through the city, I show him things and start to make up stories so that the time will pass.
The time passes by the time that the trembling of my legs has converted to not feel my legs at all.
His hand holds mine and he finds a bench for us to sit.
He takes a serious eye sight and he starts speaking.
“When did you start doing this to yourself?”, said with all the seriousness he has as a person.
“Doing what?”, I replied as I didn’t know what about he was talking.
“Your figure says it all, I noticed also that you shake from time to time and you hold your shake. Your cold hands, you nails are fake, you don’t even mind about your growls and.. all these hours, you haven’t mentioned food. You think that I’ve never seen a woman like you? I know the signs.. I mean.. i had an idea that you might be that kind of girl before we meet.. from all these months of phone contact but I really didn’t want to believe something like that. Now tell me, honestly. Why?”
He left me speechless, I can’t tell him that all these years I struggle with this behavior and he made the situation worse. I cant tell him that our date would be the reason of all this death tracking. I felt my eyes getting filled with tears.. I felt so embarrassed..
“It’s been a long year.. I just cant do it. That’s how i cope.. it’s not like I want to. I just can’t bring my self to eat ”
He knew that I was lying, he is no stupid. He can clearly understand when something doesn’t add up to a story.
“You’ve said several times that you hate yourself, is this also something else you hate? Your whole existence? Are you sure this is a good coping mechanism?”
I mean counting calories, exercising and drink tons of water.. is a hobby for some of us..
I guess I have to stop interacting with him..
“This means that we cannot talk to each other right?”
“No.. that’s not what I want to tell you. But you can’t always make others worry about you. You have to care for yourself. I cant do this.. I mean yeah, support and stuff like that but only if it’s about helping you to overcome this.”
“I have to go.. I’m sorry. Maybe another time.”
He exposed me in seconds. I didn’t have the chance to express my feelings for him. I would do anything for him.. but recover from this hell.. is just.. unbelievable..
By the time I reached home he texted me
“Don’t bother contact with me again.”
This is far more different than what I expected.. and it broke my heart. Honestly.
I don’t have any other choice.
I have to live by myself for the rest of my life..
Because I stopped eating all together and I was just putting something in my mouth because I felt like fading.
Today I realised that the past months passed with me eating only 200 calories a day..
I saw the numbers drop off the scale rapidly.
I never planned this.
Some situations in life make you lose weight..
I was always obsessed with food.
But nowadays I don’t even think about it.
When I’m hungry I don’t feel the need to do something just to avoid food.
I just try to forget about my hunger. I act like my stomach is just like a heart that beats.
That’s the sound a healthy stomach has to do.
I noticed first on my clothes..
They looked like tents after a while in this trip. But the roller coaster of starvation can’t be stopped. I am obsessed with feeling hungry.
Yesterday a guy told me that he can’t answer my texts right away and he send me a photo of his meal. He then asked what I ate for dinner.. well I just told him my last meal. 5 cherries I ate yesterday in the morning.. I didn’t mention the number.. it sounded really weird and I’m not that thin to make him believe that I survive on that.
I thought that I’m not starving myself because I ate something every day. But actually I realized that starving is eating less than you need to survive.. I confused the terms of starving and fasting.
Now I’m on my couch shaking. I always check the weather forecast, so that I know if the trembling is from weather. I can definitely tell it’s not in this boiling country.
I rushed to the scale today but i wasn’t brave enough to see that number.
I went then to my kitchen.. I opened the fridge but I wasn’t able to bring meself to eat. I made 2 cups of coffee. I drink them by pairs because they make me feel full and for a few minutes I forget about my cruel habits. Then I light up a cigarette. I cant believe that I traded all these calories with these burning guys.
Never mind.. I listen then to some music and that’s how my day passes.
I believe that one day I will look my self in the mirror and I won’t look like all these thinspo girls I see all over the tumblr. I will have excess skin. Hanging all over me. Like an empty plastic bag.. or a deformed balloon.
I don’t mind.. a lot. I hope I’ll find the power to beat this thing in me that makes me a depressed dorito that fell under the couch and no one cares enough to clean it and throw it..
I'm that girl who never opens up. You know, the one who would never let anyone close? Yeah that's me. I'm the one who don't trust. The one you will not be able to have a conversation with. The one that keeps her queue fully stocked and running at all times so that if something happens none of her beloved followers will know. The one that always has a smile on her lips but never in her eyes. The one who never lets her guard down, except from here. Here's all my thoughts and feelings; knock yourself out.
I'm that girl who never opens up. You know, the one who would never let anyone close? Yeah that's me. I'm the one who don't trust. The one you will not be able to have a conversation with. The one that keeps her queue fully stocked and running at all times so that if something happens none of her beloved followers will know. The one that always has a smile on her lips but never in her eyes. The one who never lets her guard down, except from here. Here's all my thoughts and feelings; knock yourself out.